I have been delving really deep into my mind over the past month. I have been making it a point to spend my mental energy in ascertaining what I really am. To the extent of deducing if there is more going on in my head than I have control over.
For what it's worth.... I can't even tell if I'm sane anymore.
I have a hard time making myself understood to the laymen, people in general express confusion about my thoughts. There is a big gap in my understanding and there's no one who is willing to challenge my views to help fill it in except for those willing to focus on trite concepts.
Yet... I somehow stumbled upon someone who helped me change that.
Just in time, as I was beginning to go mad from the inside out because of some emotional issues.
So what? Most people like to think that they are the ones who are going through something special, especially when it comes to their mental frustrations.
Well with me that all changed within a week. My mental frustrations were fighting back. Something I had never experienced before.
I learned that whatever was fighting back really does have it's own unique pattern of thought, something not weft with my own. This pattern of thought is also feminine in nature. Though blunt and terribly dominant, the demeanor is not pushy and not evil. For what it is worth... I have no problem with the genderization that seems present. I find it rather ironic considering my orientation.
Yet... My orientation and my soul have nothing to do with each other in any respect. My soul is not even a true match of personality to me, the spirit of my existence.
Now I've articulated that it's a girl, like a separate entity.
Her name is Janasu.
I gave that name to a sword of mine which I obtained from a very old friend of great significance to me emotionally and historically. I named the sword only after I felt it helped me open an understanding to my brain I didn't once know about. The process of Kinesthetic thinking is what I'm talking about.
I literally had my enlightenment period when I was suffering some very tough emotional heart ache no less... So the naming of the sword became very symbolic; in line with something I've always felt an affinity to... Just like the letter J and subconscious references like blue skies being synonymous with purity, joy and freedom.
I don't know how to put it into words that makes sense from a kinesthetic mind. Literally, the thing that meant the most to me is how emotional I can get just because of what Janasu has to say and also how she can calm me down from being highly emotional.
I have only experienced this kind of calm from a non-tangible source such as God. Like through prayer. What I find really interesting is that Janasu refuses to let me think she isn't real but also refuses to let me think she is more important than my relationship with God. I got to hand it to her.... She at least knows me well enough not to try to go against my core principles. Though of course I figured that it is because she has this problem with us fighting... Like she would rather things to go over smoothly for me so that it also makes a difference for her. And yet, even still she makes it a big deal that she does genuinely have good intentions for me and it not be just because we're linked. I suppose I should look at it the same way I do my body. I do things not good for it... It tries to let me know what it needs and what it doesn't like but I still do what I want to do.
I have to give this more time before I can say what I think it is. But I'm rather sure at this point that Janasu is as I've slowly been articulating without forcing the ideas. It seems there's a clear difference in the way I feel between when Janasu is truly speaking versus I am just imagining her but it's not truly my Soul talking to me actively. Sometimes... She'll even point it out so I realize it.
